February Fog

The fog this February feels extra thick this year. The weather is less than pleasant, but I am not talking about the weather. Once a year, in February, I feel low. The month starts with my Mother’s Anniversary on February 4th and then for some reason the heaviness if loss lingers for the rest of the month as well. In addition to this stressor, some years I get injured (back, rib), others I’m dealing with stressful work situations, and it never feels pleasant.

This year on February 4th I didn’t have time or the capacity to mourn my mother’s death. We had a busy weekend with relatives in town, I had a busy day at work, and I wasn’t able to acknowledge my loss. I usually go sit on her bench, but it was raining and I got home late. My dad told me he put some flowers out there, trying to make me feel ok about it, but it doesn’t feel right. I feel guilty.

I know too that I probably avoided thinking about her anniversary this year because I didn’t want to feel the hurt. It hurts. Still. And it’s hard.

Some years I am able to mentally prepare myself before February and the fog isn’t as low. I couldn’t do that this year so I feel blanketed. My hope at this time is that we will have a sunny day soon that I will be able to sit on the bench. I imagine that it will be green on the bluffs and the sour grass will be blooming. I’ll sit there and feel my mother’s presence. She knows it’s hard for me sometimes and forgives me for not coming sooner.

Tomorrow is March. And I have a free afternoon for sitting on the bench.